Stretchy Pants

Stretchy Pants

Lululemon is an institution in Kitsilano. No self respecting Kitsgal leaves the house without the little white icon of a 50s hairdo somewhere on her body. It is a source of pride; a reflection of taste; an indicator of a lifestyle.

I had never owned a pair of lululemon stretch pants before – something in my nature balks at the thought of spending $110 for sweat pants, but, given the location of my new home, I wanted to fit in with the cool kids. Watching all the Kitsgals walking down West 4^th in their lululemon pants, talking on their cell phones, rushing off for their mani-pedi appointments, they looked so cool, so fit, so trendy.

“I must have a pair,” I thought to myself. I had visions of one pair of stretch pants changing my entire life – my ass would automatically perk up without exercise; men would fall at my feet; my boss would give me a raise. So, I made a deal with myself. I could buy one pair of lululemon sweat pants if I did three good deeds. That way the universe would overlook my greedy consumerism because of my generosity. Ten minutes later, I had done my good deeds – I recycled a pop can, I watched ten minutes of the CBC and I was pleasant to a telemarketer that called – and, I was off. I was excited. This was the day my life was going to be amazing.

I took a deep breath and threw open the doors of lululemon. I walked in like I owned the place. After all, this was going to be my new home. I was greeted by a very nice girl named Amber who smiled brightly when I strode boldly inside.

“Hello, and welcome to lululemon. Can I help you?” she asked politely.

“Yes, I am here to buy some sweat pants.” I responded.

Amber’s face twitched slightly. “Oh, I’m sorry. We don’t call them that here. These are lifestyle pants. We have different names for our designs”

I came to learn the names - the Still Pant, the Not So Still Pant, the I’m Not Really Working Out I’m Just Wearing It for the Look Pant, the I’m Actually a Stripper Pant and the I’m Seriously Going to Do Some Exercise Pant.

This was a lot for me to take in. I asked Amber what I should try. She looked me up and down and suggested the I’m Not Really Working Out I’m Just Wearing It for the Look Pant. She knew how to read a customer. Then she asked for my size. I told her I was “normal but more on the healthy side of normal” She looked at me with that slightly twitchy look on her face again. “Maybe she’s got a palsy,” I thought.

Then Amber responded, “Oh, I’m sorry. We don’t carry healthy to normal sizes here. Our sizes only come in Subnormal, Pre-anorexic, Anorexic, Meth Addicted Anorexic and Twig.”

I was crestfallen. “I guess I will try Subnormal please.” Amber looked at me with her sceptical palsy ridden face. What if my whole new life in lululemon wear could not be started because I could not fit into it? The fact that I might have to work out to fit into athletic wear was a bit ironic to me.

I took them to the fitting room. I pulled the black pair of size subnormal I’m Not Really Working Out I’m Just Wearing It for the Look Pants on. They fit perfectly. How can this be? “Amber!” I shrieked. They fit. I am reborn. I can be anyone I want.

I have lost my mind. These are sweat pants. But, wow, are they ever comfortable. Then, I started laughing as a new vision took shape in my mind. No.  I wouldn't be wearing these pants to lunch with my girlfriends, to my private yoga class or to my standing mani-pedi appointment.  No.  But, I could definitely see myself lying on the couch, eating nachos and watching Celebrity Apprentice in these new comfy stretchy pants.  “Amber. I am going to make the most outrageous purchase of my life. I am actually going to spend $110 on a pair of sweat pants.” The twitching outside the change room was deafening.